The Animal Instinct

It's been one of those days... no, it's been one of those weeks... wait, it's been one of those months!
Stressed beyond most limits of stress, due to work, change, finances, weather, family, future, career, what everyone will think of me...

It's been one of those months.

I was on my way to teach meditation, cranky due to being dehydrated the day before due to subtle food poisoning, not to mention a tough day at work, when I realized do I really want to teach meditation being cranky deep down inside? I realized the yoga class before that might settle my mood. I needed it. Then again driving home in the snow storm which was supposed to hit around 8 pm, (when I would leave meditation class), came into mind and annoyed me further. As I was driving, ignoring the traffic, going with the flow, singing the songs, a song's lyrics specifically caught my attention.

It was The Animal Instinct"  by The Cranberries.

The lyrics went something like this: Suddenly something has happened to me, as I was having my cup of tea.
Suddenly i was feeling depressed, I was utterly and totally stressed.
Do you know you make me cry?
Do you know you make me die?
And the thing that gets to me, is you'll never really see,
And the thing that freaks me out, is I'll always be in doubt.
It is a lovely thing that we have, it is a lovely thing that we,
It is a lovely thing, the animal, the animal instinct.

So take my hands and come to me, we will change reality.
So take my hands and we will pray, they won't take you away.
They will never make me cry, no,
They will never make me die.
And the thing that gets to me, is you'll never really see,
And the thing that freaks me out, is I'll always be in doubt.

The animal, the animal, the animal instinct in me,
It's the animal, the animal, the animal instinct in me...

This song woke me up from this frustrated anger, annoyance and crankiness I was holding onto.
This is why we meditate, to rid ourselves of these basal instincts, our primordial instincts... that of an animal. So although this animal instinct in me, is a survival instinct, does it serve me now?
Our fright, flight and fight responses are useful, but did I need to be stressed and let it out right now?

I thought about it all, how I let myself get stressed by not being present. How I let myself be irritable and angry because of lack of sleep... I let it all get to me. I can manage this, but I wasn't being present, I was irate due to lack of sleep, but I missing my energy now, because I was upset about the night before.
The song helped me let out some steam, and get into a meditative state. It was great to enter yoga more positive. I was going to narrate this during meditation class, but sadly students got scared of the snow storm.

OM

Breathe

Meditation: Be present and Climb On!

Yesterday I climbed after a year. I do have a fear of heights, also I "self doubt" a lot regards to what I am capable of, I am also anxious about falling, although there is a trusty belayer ready to catch me; these afflictions in my mind, affect my body, and my climbing.

My first wall, I panicked the whole way up, forgetting to breathe, scared of falling. On my second climb, I heard my climbing teachers voice yell in my mind "breathe! breathe like you're having a baby." My breathing brought me to an utter awareness, and it was easier to climb.

My next climb, I almost gave up, but I took a few minutes to breathe, focus, meditating while hanging on a harness, 20 feet off the ground. Just collecting myself to here, now, me and my body. I let everyone else fade away, I let the world drop away, my breathing, my muscles, my heart all united in completing this small task of climbing to another 10 or 15 feet. It was a simple climb, but it seemed a gargantuan task, for a non-beginner, beginning to climb again. Those few minutes helped me gather some phenomenal energy to calm down and climb on. My focus was solely on me, and it was easier.

Why do I fret? Because I forget to be. I let fear take over, when all I need is me.

Meditation can help us immensely even though it maybe short... Maybe that's why they say when stressed, breathe and count to 10 when angry or flustered! So if you think about it there's been different types of meditation, through out the ages, cultures, places, and religions! The effects are always the same.

Breathe!

Om.

Music and Patience

I just started learning  how to play the Bass. This has me totally amped. Its like I have a bad case of the Music Bug. So it's been hard to sleep at night, like I keep thinking about practicing, and music, and how do i play it better, muscle memory. In itself, playing music has been so meditative in itself. I focus, get int he zone and I feel it deep down in my soul. However when I am not playing I enjoy the silence but it makes me antsy. I feel the need to be a part of the vibration the guitars emit. Feel it in my body, soul and mind. Maybe playing guitar is even spiritual to me, although it might just be some Weezer song!
I wonder if my middle name "Shruti" has anything to do with this craving for the constant need for music, the ebb and flow of music and silence alike. Hmm.

Perhaps we are supposed to feel like this about meditation and silence. Since I have been listening to a lot of Rock music, I have been craving silence, and acoustic guitar music. I think distortion may make a difference? Thoughts on this?

The difference between meditation and guitar playing is, one creative ripples and the other is about being still. However , Buddhists do use gongs, and chanting for meditation too! So I might be in a more modern track to meditation and music, harmony. Music (whatever genre) is such a huge part of my life, but so are my moments of silence. I think integrating both into the most unusual aspect of our lives is something, hmm... creative (?). In example using music for meditation, and silence in music. I was just at a concert and in the middle of the song they sounded like it ended, but came back for another round of chorus. It was amazing. I know its incomparable, but being at a concert is like being at a mass meditation where everyone is chanting OM. At least, to me the energy was comparable. Just food for thought, maybe next time you are at a concert you can change point of view and make it meditative.

I love silence and I love music!

Rock on and Breathe!

 In other news: I am 70+ days sober!

5 to 10 in 4 days!

Today is day four, I did ten minutes. It still wasn't easy but I did it.

Day one was Thursday (31st May). I started with 5 minutes; sitting upright to the best of my spinal cord's ability, breathing deeply (yoga breathing - aka abdominal breathing, inhale belly out, exhale contract the belly. Using the stomach/ab muscles we breathe). I focused on breathing, my thoughts wandered a bit and I brought them back to deep breathing. It was my lunch break, but I wasn't that hungry yet so I was able to focus. In the past I've had trouble focusing on an empty stomach. My watch was timing the meditation, and went off at 5 minutes, which seemed way too short, but felt great! However I had to stick to my tight work schedule.

Day two, Friday 1st June - I set my meditation time for 8 minutes, because I thought 5 was too short but wonderful. I started out with focusing on my breathing, and then I watched as my thoughts began to flow away from the breathing, then I would steer it back to the breathing. After a while of doing this, i thought it would be good to set an intention for the rest of the day, and what I wanted to send out to the universe, and what I would like to receive back. A lovely energy exchange essentially. 8 minutes was great, and refreshing, once again on my lunch break.

Day three, Saturday 2nd June - I set my clock to 10 minutes. It went serenely as I first focused on breathing and then listened, let thoughts flow, and memories of many childhood meditations fill me. Being a Saturday I added another 8 minutes after the 10. How is that meditation that I thought so difficult in the past was so easy now? The second 8 minutes was difficult cause although I was focusing on my breathing I was also distracted, and annoyed by my own tummy. I kept wanting to suck it in. My self image issues began emerging. I don't like my tummy. So I am meditating and the whole time grumbling in my mind via thoughts about how my tummy should not move with the breathing, this hindered my breathing, and thus my focus on breathing, and thought flow. I however decided to "let it go", and did. I began thinking about how I needed to pay rent and became anxious, then again I "let it go". Also these past three days, I would be meditating and feel an itch and be compelled to itch it, instead of using my head - "there's an itchy feeling. hmm. let it go." A thought does not always need to be followed by an action. Does it?

Day four, Sunday 3rd June - I paid my rent! Now I could meditate in peace. I just went running, did some yoga, and let my body reach homeostasis before sitting down to meditate. I sat outside on the balcony, and began meditating, always cross-legged (Indian style), back upright and my arms loosely stretched out over my legs and fingers in "chinmaya mudra". Today I was more annoyed with my tummy than ever, and my back was much fatigued (probably from running, situps and cobra pose). I toughed out ten minutes and ended the meditation with a startling sneeze from someone. Today it was hard to focus, but I made it a point to remind myself to get annoyed, watch the thought and let it go in the end. Resulting in me feeling over all calmer and patient.

Let's see what tomorrow holds!


OM!

Image taken from Gurumaa website, I believe that's the Chinmaya mudra.